Metasyntactic Variables

Fun with Craigslist, part 78653

2010-09-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Unicorn - $1000000 (New Baltimore)

Date: 2010-09-19, 6:10PM EDT
Reply to: sale-twyag-1962699519@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

For Sale:

One white unicorn that shits bunny rabbits.

Name: Harvey S. Wildenbean.

He was a birthday present from my Grandmother, but I am unable to keep him because he is kind of a dick and gets on my nerves. I know the price is a bit steep, but seriously, it's a unicorn that shits bunny rabbits, people. It's not like I'm selling a turtle or something.

Friday/ Saturday

2010-09-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Tim: "Tomorrow should be fun- my buddies are coming over with their Xbox, so we're going to blow some shit up and drink beer. If I get up early enough I might go along with them to the musket shooting range. You? Blowing any shit up, tomorrow? Musket activity?"

Tracy: "Nobody wants me armed. Nobody sane, anyway. I'm pretty much the reason for the gun laws, dude."

Tim: "You need a musket, dude."

-----------------------------------

Tim: "You could get a blunderbus. You could fill it with marshmallows or something, then people will be all: 'OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, THIS CRAZY PERSON HAS A GUN!.....BUT WAIT.....I AM BEING ASSAULTED WITH DELICIOUS SUGARY TREATS! LIFE IS INDEED A DELIGHT!"

Tracy: "I don't really inspire delight, especially when armed. Sad, but true."

Tim: "Have you tried using marshmallows? Cause that was really the crux of my argument."

Tracy: "I don't like marshmallows, unless they're in cereal. I should get a gun that fires cereal."

Tim: "You could go with Lucky Charms and please everyone- they're reputed to be magically delicious. People generally like things that are magically delicious."

------------------------------------

Tim: "I slept in really late, this morning, and at some point, FP crawled up and put his head on the pillows to one side of me, and Blind Shana did the same on the other. That probably looked like I had just had the most inappropriate night of my life."

Tracy: "That's lovely. Could have waited til after 8, though."

Tim: *sigh* "I made the effort to wait until after 6:30, dude. Your demands are becoming unreasonable."

Tracy: "I may have to kill you at this rate."

Tim: "You're grouchy in the morning. Go back to sleep."

Sonntag

2010-09-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

Tim: "Es scheint nicht richtig dass Deutschland ein mangel an ninjas hat."

Tracy: "I'm sorry, I don't speak your crazy moon language."

Tim: "Not moon language, dude. GERMAN. Possibly that is also what moon-people speak, but I think that would be an astounding coincidence. I thought it would be nice to show our German readers some love. Because that is how I roll."

Tracy: "I maintain that speaking to me in a language I don't understand kind of makes you a douche, dude."

Tim: "I bet the Germans don't think I'm a douche right now. I submit the whole of Germany kind of trumps just one Tracy."

Tracy: "Surprise, dude. I am part German. And I still insist on your douchery."

Tim: "I am part German as well, and I must say that I am shocked and appalled at such indifference coming from a fellow partial countryman concerning our partial culture."

Tracy: "I think it's because I am mostly from Alsace-Lorraine and so naturally possessed of a certain "sod you" mentality."

Tim: "Aha. That would be the difference, then. I think I'm from the other part. You know, the part that does not lollygag around when it comes to reconnecting with my roots, especially when it concerns matters of such import. What's wrong with you, dude? Why do you hate matters of import?"

Tracy: "I don't think 'matters of import' means what you seem to think it means."

Tim: "You don't think the lack of ninjas in the Fatherland is a cause for concern? Is that what you are telling me? And the Fatherland?"

Tracy: "The very last thing the Fatherland needs is ninjas, dude. It messes with the fabled Teutonic efficiency."

Tim: "The Teutons? What was that, like 2000 years ago? I think you need to let go of the past, Fraulein."

Tracy: "You , pal, are a dork."

Tim: "Comments like that are why I never share my strudel with you, you know."

Tracy: "Dude, *sigh*. Never mind."

Tim: "Keine strudel fur sie, dude."

Tracy: "That sound you hear? That's the sound of my head exploding."

Thursday

2010-09-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Tim: "I played KENO for the first time, today. I have decided that when I win the big KENO jackpot, I'm going to fly to Japan and become a master of the nunchakus."

Tracy: "It's good to have goals."

Tim: "Yeah. I'll probably get a pair of obsidian nunchakus after I become a master, so I blend in with my ally the night. As I am fighting crime. With my nunchakus."

Tracy: *sigh*

Tim: "You will have a different tone when you are being set upon by roving gangs of criminals and are all: 'If only there was someone skilled in the art of nunchaku-ing who could save me! Alas!'"

Tracy: "Pretty sure your name won't be what springs to mind in that situation."

Tim: "Why are you a slave to denial?"

Tracy: "It's called REALITY. I know you aren't familiar with the concept, as you are generally barely reality-adjacent."

Tim: "I was going to buy you an alpaca farm with my KENO winnings before I flew away to train in Japan, but now I think there will be no alpacas for you, dude."

Tracy: "Just as well, really."

Tim: "I will still probably save you from criminals with my nunchaku skills, though. Because of the code I live by."

Saturday

2010-08-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Tim: "Superman was a fraud. Capes don't make you fly, that's bullshit. Even if you start out on something high, like a shed or something."

Tracy: "Superman never said the cape made him fly. It was an admittedly misguided fashion statement."

Tim: "That the implication was there, is really the issue."

Tracy: "Batman wears a cape but doesn't fly. I submit your thesis is poorly thought out."

Tim: "That's because his cape wasn't red. Obviously."

Tracy: "Your hypothesis = FLAWED."

Tim: "Nope, it's science, dude. If Superman's cape was purple or something, he would have had to use a scooter to get around."

Tracy: "I don't think you are clear on the meaning of the word 'science' Also, texting me at 6:50 am? The fuck with you?"

Tim: "I waited until after 6:30, as per out agreement."

Tracy: "WE HAVE NO AGREEMENT."

Tim: "Do too. I just didn't tell you about it."

Tracy: "Then it's not so much an agreement as a random decision on your part, dude."

Tim: "Why must you be mired down by technicalities all the time?"

Tracy: "It's the curse of my logical nature."

Monday

2010-08-16T14:01:00.001-07:00

Tim: "People never think of ninjas relaxing in front of the tube with their feet up, eating pretzels and watching Beaches or something. Ninjas are too often stereotyped as killers, I think."

Tracy: "I find it hard to believe that ninjas do that shit. It's not a job, dude. It's more of a lifestyle."

Tim: "I don't know- maybe back in the day it was like that, but it's probably different, now. The need for dental coverage and eye exams and whatnot."

Tracy: "Pretty sure you don't become a ninja because of the benefits."

Tim: "I think they also get free Kraft service at the clubhouse."

Tracy: "Lies. LIES."

Tim: "Ninjas love Kraft service."

Tracy: "You are delusional, although Kraft is good."

Tim: "Now you are thinking like a ninja, dude. Well done."

Thursday

2010-08-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tim: "I should change my ringtone to JamOnIt. That's it."

Tracy: "You, my friend, are a weirdo."

Tim: "Pretty much."

Shayla

2010-08-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Tim: "Hey Kathy, I accidentally erased Shayla's first text ever- you should tell her to send me another one."

Shayla: "Dear uncle tim, yesterday my mom took us to the fair it was really hot and sweaty and i

went on alot of rides then my mom got me and savannah blue slushies that was awesome then i

paid 5.oo from my money to do the bungie jump and i did a bunch of flips it was awesome then

we went on the scrambler and zero gravity my mom had to close her eyes she said she was too

old for this that was funny then savannah got to go on the swings again and i didnt because the

guy seen that i had my high heel flip flops on and said i wasnt big enough so we went in the

shade i really wanted to puke

after savannah was done we left the boys there and went home because i wanted to lay down and then on the way i puked like five times blue slushie and it

was splattery and got everywhere and my mom kept driving the end <:o)> "

Tim: "That's perfect, Shayla! Thank you :)"

Kathy: "Yesterday sucked. First, I worked, then spent 70.00 on admission and waters and 3 freaking slushies. It was hot, humid, sweaty, and after one too many freaky rides I HAD to go on one with the girls, we had to leave in a hurry because Shayla had heat exhaustion.

Then on the way home she became possessed by the exorcist and spewed blue slushie all over- like five times- while I kept driving so the fan would continue to run on the van so we could keep the air on because it overheats if it idles right now.

So, after we cleaned that up, Kevin called from the fair and said I could come get him now because he wanted to puke (p.s: He ate nachos. Nice), so I went BACK to the fair, got the boys, got stuck in a traffic jam of people leaving, had to put the HEAT on at full blast so it wouldn't overheat, got home and came into the house to the smell of dog crap coming up through the vents........

.......oh yeah, the dog who has six fat puppies was in the basement to stay cool. Well, the MOM had crapped ALL OVER Mark's room and then stepped in it.

So, after we cleaned all that up and I showered for the fourth time, I had to get ready for a funeral home, and all the while some PEOPLE who shall remain nameless asked what was for dinner thought they should tell me how I could have more efficiently handled the puking episode, and oh sorry about my luck with the dog crap.

WTF? I submit to you- WTF??"

Tim: "That is the most hilarious shitty day story I have ever heard. The End."

Kathy: "Try not to pee yourself."

Saturday

2010-08-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Tim: I'm concerned that my rhymes aren't funky fresh. Sucks. You can't fake funky freshness.

Tracy: Your lack of funky freshness is really the least of it, dude.

Tim: So you agree- I am funky freshnessless. Way to be a supportive friend, dude.

Tracy: I can only do so much, pal.

Friday

2010-08-06T15:43:00.001-07:00

Tim: "If I was a kidnapper, I would probably just kidnap mimes so they couldn't tell on me if they ever got away. I just realized that about myself. The End."

Tracy: "What would you do with them? Because who the hell would pay ransom for a mime?"

Tim: "I don't know. Force them to clean, maybe."

Tracy: "That would mean you'd essentially have a mime infestation. You'd have to bring in weasels to get rid of them."

Tim: "I have no problem with that. It's the mime's own fault that the weasel community hates them. I think that story is in the Bible."

Tracy: "Dude, you can't let mimes infest your house. It's a filthy habit. Probably would lower the property values of the entire town."

Tim: "Maybe I could corral the mimes and sic them on my enemies. That would be pretty sweet."

Tracy: "Dude, mimes are unhygienic. You'd be better off training cockroaches. Or even rats."

Tim: "How come you know so much about mimes, dude?"

Tracy: "I have an interesting history."

Tim: "Clearly."

Thursday

2010-08-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

Tim: "Why so quiet lately?"

Tracy: "I was super busy and then left my phone in my bag, where, of course, I can not hear it ring. Because I am old and forget where I put the phone."

Tim: "Aha. I'm just forgetful because I've always been that way. I bet I'll be one of those old guys that forgets to put on his pants."

Tracy: "Well, given your luck with nudity, it wouldn't surprise me a bit."

Tim: "Good point. I guess the only difference is that I will have no idea that my goods are on exhibit."

Tracy: "Less embarrassment for you, so actually a win. Not for whoever sees you, of course."

Tim: "What the hell do I care about that, dude? I'm old and curmudgeony."

Tracy: "Indeed, my friend. INDEED."

Savannah.

2010-08-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

This is the mass text I sent out this morning:

Tim: "Once upon a time, Tim looked out the window and saw a dude walking down the street wearing a purple shirt with a Kool-Aid Man smiley face on it, camouflage pants, and orange shoes. Also, he had a yellow mohawk. Then Tim laughed and laughed. the End."

Then I got this text back:

"Dear uncle tim this is savannah my mom is driving so i read her your text she thinks you had magic mushrooms for brektfast again and i think it is hilarious and you seen a pretty strange dude <:)>"

The End.

Saturday: Messing with Missed Connections

2010-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Craigslist "Missed Connections" Ads #3

Two Peas in a Pod

"You were the woman with the crew cut who was wearing a camo sleeveless t-shirt, standing in the sporting goods section of Meijers and looking at the hunting knives. You had that hilarious tattoo of the beaver holding a flag with rainbow colors! I was the guy in the 'Vote for Pedro' shirt, who was asking the clerk about monogrammed camping utensils. I think that maybe we might have missed out on a great opportunity. We never spoke, but I think I'm not the only one who felt something click. Could that 'click' be the sound of two hearts fitting together??"

Friday

2010-07-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tim : "Update- walking out of Meijer with my bags in one hand and my cell phone in the other, also I'm using the non-automatic door because I am ripped and my muscles require constant exercise, and the goodbye-guy says goodbye, so I turn to say goodbye because although I am so ripped, I am also quite polite, and I walked into the non-opening, non-automatic door. Then the goodbye-guy pretended not to laugh. The End."

Tracy: "It's amazing to me most days that you are allowed to run around without a minder."

Tim: "I am quite crafty. Minders are powerless to track me."

Tracy: "What you need is the grown up version of those toddler leashes they sell."

Tim: "Was that mockery? Are you mocking me for walking into things again?"

Tracy: "Maaaaaybe."

Tim: "I will not be leashed, dude. That seriously would put the kabosh on my nighttime ninja excursions."

Tracy: "Bitch, please."

Tim: "That is not the correct vernacular to use in ninja-land."

Tracy: "You are not the ninja boss of me, dude."

Tim: "If my sword was not in the shop, I believe the title of this chapter in the conversation would be 'reckoning'.

Tracy: "Good luck with that, bee boy."

Tim: "Do you have some money I can borrow? I need to get my sword out of the shop, you know, for the reckoning."

Tracy: "No."

Tim: "Scrooge."

Thursday

2010-07-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Tim: So I got up a little while ago. Then the dogs bitched at me because they had to go out. Then I just grabbed a bath towel from the laundry room and wrapped it around my waist. Then I opened the door and put the dog on the chain. Then the mail lady across the street heard the dog run out and looked over. Then my towel fell off. The End.- I bet she brings me the good mail tomorrow.

Tracy: That is the nakedest text I have gotten this morning. You need to invest in a robe.

Tim: Be patient, the morning is still young. I have a robe, but it is too hot. It's like a toaster oven with a waist tie.

Tracy: This is why I don't like mornings.

Tim: Because of nudity? Because of mail people? Or because of the uncomfortable merging of the two?

Tracy: I'm going to have to go with option # 3.

Tim: I'm in no position to disagree.

Wednesday: Messing with Missed Connections

2010-07-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Craigslist "Missed Connections" Ads #2

Fate in the Costco

I was the guy walking alone in the Costco, holding the economy sized package of Chex mix and the “Best of Joe Piscapo SNL” dvd, wearing the “I’m with stupid” t-shirt. You were the tanned blonde wearing the green sundress and walking with that body builder guy. You asked me if I was okay when I walked into the Dorito display and knocked it over because I was staring at you. I think we really had a moment, there.

This bag of Chex mix might just be big enough for two ;)

Tuesday

2010-07-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tracy: So. What's on Chinese TV tonight?

Tim: Biz Asia is on! That show is the best! Today they're talking about business in Asia. Or world domination. I can never tell because of how they all speak gibberish constantly.

Tracy: It's Chinese, dude. They speak that in China, because English is a really hard language to learn.

Tim: Aha. I should pay attention to the Chinese lessons on the back of fortune cookie slips so I can understand these Asians. Maybe they should focus less on business and more on practical language skills.

Tracy: If you can manage to learn Chinese by collecting fortune cookie fortunes, I will be forced to admit your awesomeness. Fortunately, I know you won't.

Tim: I think you are seriously underestimating my ability to eat an epic amount of fortune cookies, dude.

Tracy: I may very well be.

Tim: Thank you.

Monday: Messing with Missed Connections

2010-07-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

Craigslist "Missed Connections" Ads #1

We met in the park...

I was the guy in the clown suit sitting on the park bench and drinking. I had orange hair and a huge tie. You were the woman being chased by that crazy dog. You shouted at me for help, remember? I’m sorry I couldn’t help you because of my terrible dog allergy, but one thing I’m not allergic to is LOVE ;)

Dinner?

Sunday

2010-07-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tracy: "Hey."

Tim: "Yes?"

Tracy: "Just...hey."

Tim: "Hey Hi Hi! <----- Awesome "What's Happening" reference."

Tracy: "That kind of makes me sad."

Tim: "That the sequel didn't do so well?"

Tracy: "That it was like, a million years ago in my childhood. GAH."

Tim: "Well how about if I reference something more recent, like Small Wonder?"

Tracy: "You. Are. Killing. Me."

Tim: "Alf?"

Tracy: "GAH."

Tim: "Agreed, actually."

Saturday

2010-07-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tim: "I'm pretty sure the reason Gandhi was so laid back was because he didn't have to get up and go to work everyday. I bet if Gandhi would have had a job he would have been a dick."

Tracy: "Gandhi did have a job. He was a lawyer. And it is 6:30 a.m."

Tim: "You need to work on embracing the day, dude."

Tracy: "What the fuck with Gandhi this early in the morning?"

Tim: "Gandhi was an early riser. That's not my fault."

Tracy: "You are filling me with hate."

Tim: "Wow. You could so not be Gandhi."

Friday

2010-07-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tim: You know how when you're a dude standing in the bottle return section with a bunch of other dudes, and they all have carts full to the top with Budweiser bottles and you have one six pack of Cherry Wheat ale and a crapload of diet cherry 7up bottles? Doesn't that suck?

Tracy: Never been a dude, pal. You are totally on your own in this scenario.

Tim: You hear that? That is the sound of me not appreciating your pithy-ness.

Tracy: Sounds like the sweet sweet sound of me being EPIC. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Tim: Yeah, thanks. You slay me.

Tracy: I do what I can.

Thursday

2010-07-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tim: Hello Friend,

I am hoping that you will be my friend to appreciate monies thhat you can help for me! Much monies that I need to get out of the country of my.!

I will send to a bank of youre choosing. Then you can take for checks to send back to me and keep the wrest!!

Okay! friendly!

I will simply need youre bank number of accounting and pleese to send quickly!!

Friendly!

Tracy: This is not endearing you to me.

Tim: Does this mean no numbers?

Tracy: And also, I might send Spider to your house.

Tim: I do not believe that is how you should treat a friendly friend, dude.

Tracy: Don't make me come over there.

Tim: Bring it. I have ice cream.

Tracy: Oh. Well, as long as there's ice cream...Great. Now I want a root beer float.

Tim: Can't help you there. But I have some chocolate soda. I bet that would make a kick ass float.

Tracy: OK, now you're just being mean.

Wednesday

2010-07-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tracy: "Good morning."

Tim: "Good morning. I decided to go to the tanning booth this morning to get a base going. As my ass has not seen the sun in many years, the decision to go buck naked might have been made in haste, I'm starting to realize."

Tracy: "There is no end to the awkwardness you can generate."

Tim: "I would be more inclined to find humor in that statement if my ass was not currently seared a nice cherry-red."

Tracy: "That actually made me laugh out loud."

Tim: "We need to have a talk about how you find the suffering of others an enjoyable pastime, dude."

Tuesday

2010-07-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tracy: "Avatar, the last Airbender is on Nicktoons."

Tim: "Meh. I can't really get into cartoons. I mostly just watch movies."

Tracy: "They turned this into a live-action movie. It's in theaters now."

Tim: "I heard. Blue people with spears or some such, right?"

Tracy: "Nope. Asian types that can bend the elements. You know what would be awesome? Being able to DVR stuff and send it to friends."

Tim: "Agreed. That would be awesome- for me. YOU would only get recordings of William Shatner's Raw Nerve and old Star Trek episodes."

Tracy: "Yeah. I've seen all those."

Tim: "I also have a David Bowie flick, and a subtitled movie about Japanese dudes in a dancing class."

Tracy: "You like foreign films but not anime. OK."

Tim: "Just because someone is from another country does not mean they are made out of cartoon, dude. Bigot."

Tracy: "I merely prefer it when they are. Reverse bigot."

Monday

2010-07-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tim: "CHINA CHOW!"

Tracy: "Dude, I am too hopped up right now to make sense of your texts."

Tim: "I was referring to how I just picked up some Chinese cuisine, not that I am cannibalizing a Chinaman."

Tracy: "I am actually quite relieved."

Tim: "I'm not surprised. Communicating through text can be vague, sometimes."

Sunday

2010-07-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Tim: "If I ever win the lotto, I'm going to do shit like rent planes to fly over neighborhoods so I can toss out handfuls of puppies on parachutes wearing signs around their necks that read: "Tim Rocks!"

Tracy: "That is not a good idea. It takes puppies years of training to parachute out of planes."

Tim: "Dude. That is why I would use HUNDREDS of them."

Tracy: "The odds are better that they would just crap all over people. Pretty sure that would negate the 'Tim Rocks' notes."

Tim: "Holy shit, I never thought of that. Maybe I should just throw juiceboxes."

Tracy: "Or cake. Everyone loves cake."

Tim: "Seems irresponsible to throw cake out of planes. Diabetics and whatnot."

Tracy: "You can't protect everyone. And even diabetics love cake."

Tim: "Still, I'd feel concerned. Maybe it would be a good idea to just not play the lotto."

Tracy: "That might be for the best."